


A Breaking Point

by allstarspangled



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War Fix-It, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Reunions, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 18:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17411783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allstarspangled/pseuds/allstarspangled
Summary: Steve thought his worst fear was living without war, but after so long Tony helps him realize it's the opposite.





	A Breaking Point

Tony inhales for four, holds for a complete seven, and releases for another eight. _You’re never alone._ No, he’s always alone. He’s Iron Man. Aren’t Starks _made_ of iron? Fuck-

A Black Label whiskey with four ounces of grain alcohol sits unassumingly on the counter. It could be poured so smoothly into a crystal glass.

Tony fights a hysterical laugh.

He flexes his hand and the armor beneath his skin seems to hum even louder. It isn’t logical. The suit is housed in his chest, but fuck, sometimes it feels like metal is imbedded into his very _being_.

It’s a bad night. Which, considering how manic and self-destructive he’s been since arriving back on Earth from Titan, Tony will admit that’s saying something. Some would say he needs to stop, slow down, or he’ll kill himself, but god he can’t bring himself to care.

He has to fix this.

Maybe he’ll reach a breaking point. Maybe that point is tonight, but Peter is dead. So is Pepper, Rhodey, Happy…

So who cares?

The original Avengers may be alive, but Tony has learned the hard way that they were never his friends. Steve was never his friend. No matter how much he wishes Steve- _no. Never again._

So they won’t worry if Tony decides to indulge himself in some unhealthy habits. As long as in the end, he reverses the devastation Thanos caused.

He feels a constant ache in his body, in his head, that hasn’t stopped for months. He keeps hoping it will to go away eventually, but it’s been a week since his time in space, and the pounding hasn’t cease. With all that’s happened, he shouldn’t be surprised that the longer he’s been left with his thoughts and the numbers screaming and the ghosts shouting _you could have saved us_ and _please, I don’t wanna go,_ the more intense the pain got and the grinding, hollow feeling-

Tony wants a drink. He _needs_ a drink.

Fuck, he should’ve stayed in his workshop. Stave off the need for more caffeine that ran out hours ago and eventually crash instead. He knows how to work until he can’t anymore. Instead he wandered up here.

He got distracted from his original goal and instead lost in the ultimate temptation.

He stares at four ounces of relapse.

It should worry Tony how falling off the edge, releasing his already white-knuckled grip on that last sense of control, of sanity, isn’t anything more than an amusing thought.

His hand reaches out for the bottle.

A breaking point.

When his lips meet the glass of a Black Label whiskey all he can taste is dust.

***

Before Thanos, before the sudden end and agonizing fight to bring back half the population, Steve thought he knew loss. Knew the suffocation of grief.

Death had always been a constant in his life. It was a looming shadow on the verge of consuming him all throughout his childhood. Then there was his mother. Then the war. Steve didn’t expect mercy when he crashed into the Atlantic, but somehow he survived.

And somehow death clung even tighter.

It was a heavy weight in his chest that never quite went away no matter how many punching bags he destroyed. Because just when the chasm between him and the world felt maybe bearable, HYDRA was found, and Bucky was kept alive in the worst way imaginable. Steve realized he just had to accept the heaviness that pressed on him, day after day because his life will always be war.

He realized just before the battle with Ultron that his worst nightmare is being unable to live without a battle. It’s a horrible kind of ironic, but Steve was so tired. By the time the accords were being negotiated he was no longer afraid of that fact. He’s a soldier. His life is war. So Steve lives with his intimate knowledge of the guilt and pain and emptiness that death brings.

Then there was Thanos.

Steve learned that he was wrong. He was stupidly, _naively_ wrong. Because that loss was nothing compared to this. Survivors guilt was a problem for Steve after the ice, but _fuck-_ This was a new kind of guilt-ridden pain.

Because it’s easy to get lost in the what-ifs, he knows that, but Steve can’t help but think about what went wrong. He can’t help but think about how he could have prevented such an unprecedented tragedy.

He developed the certainty that this wouldn’t have happened if the Avengers were actually together. Hadn’t he fucking said they would be? But Steve held on too tightly to Bucky, the last piece of his past. He lied to Tony and pretended it was to spare his feelings.

The truth is, Steve was just _terrified._

Death may have been a constant all his life, but Steve couldn’t stand the idea of losing someone else he cares about. Zemo exposed what he had been denying all along. That he wasn’t a man that couldn’t live without war or a man that could live with war. He was just lost.

He was unfit to carry the shield and authority of Captain America.

In the darkest parts of his thoughts, Steve knows with a bone-deep certainty that if Tony had found out without Bucky there, if Tony had rightfully lashed out at Steve for the lies… he would have let Iron Man end it.

He fought to protect Bucky, but Steve sometimes mused the justice in ultimately dying in the way that haunted his nightmares. Cold and alone.

That didn’t happen though. Instead, Steve denounced his name as Captain America.

Tony was right. _That shield doesn’t belong to you. You don’t deserve it._ His actions weren’t worthy of a national hero.

So after the snap, Steve sat beside Vision’s body for a very long time. His throat was thick with blood and dry from the ash. He remembers choking on it, being suffocated by it. They had fought as hard as they could.

Of course, it wasn’t enough.

When Steve finally picked himself up, he remembers looking at the ruins of what was once a beautiful country. No matter where he turned, all he could see was gut-wrenching. All he could see was death.

Soon enough, he just felt numb. He was numb when Natasha found him. He was numb as they walked back to the palace. And he was numb days later, when clean-up was well under way.

The whole world mourned and all Steve could do was selfishly think of his own loss, those in his own life being ripped away _again_. It was all gone. It was all gone, and he knew it was his fault.

Everyone that they hadn’t seen they assumed to be dead. He heard them say that Tony was likely dead. Steve however, didn’t let himself even think about the man who gave him home. The man he betrayed so deeply. That is, until Tony once again did the impossible.

He came back. Tony was bloody, thin, and haunted, but he was _alive._ And in true Tony Stark fashion, gave everyone something previously thought of as impossible.

Hope.

Steve had so much he wanted to say to Tony and yet his mind went frustratingly blank whenever they made even the briefest of eye contact.

Steve stares at the ceiling of the bedroom Queen Shuri has been letting him use for the past few weeks. They stayed in Wakanda because their technology is by far the best to work with if they want to track down Thanos, but the location also helps in hiding from a world that has turned into chaos in the wake of losing over half their population. It’s only a matter of time before questions are asked and blame is pointed toward those who swore to defend them.

Steve doesn’t mind that inevitability, because every time he’s tried to sleep, every time he’s closed his eyes, the dust would be there. The death. The guilt.

He did this. He deserves to relive the most haunting memory of Tony mixed with his worst failure. Tony watching his parents be murdered. Tony looking so, so betrayed. Tony on the floor in Siberia, looking _accepting_ right before Steve brings down the edge of his shield. Only this time he does die. He loses control of his body and Tony turns into dust upon contact. It burns and all Steve can do swear and sob and cry out apologies that will never be enough.

He sits up in bed to rub his hands over his face. 

It will never be enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 will be hella longer with the comfort promised.  
> Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment and/or leave kudos. They always mean a lot.  
> I'm on tumblr @allstarspangled if you want to come cry with me over infinity war or laugh at shit posts.


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